about my wife leaving me... something very different for me, musically. written on piano, with orchestral arrangement. learned piano just to have something to do after the separation. might be the first of many. who knows? (who cares?😅)more

yet another song about divorce... i just feel it in the night when i’m colder than i used to know too many pillows, too few heads too many thoughts bout someone i just barely know i thought i had it all but none of it was mine i thought i had it all but none of it was mine nothing is mine but i'm alright we said so much, we felt so dumb are we really going through with this i just feel it in my bones this is nothing like we ever hoped we thought we had it all but nothing fell in line i thought i had it all but none of it was mine nothing is mine am i alright?more

i've been struggling with dysthymia and bouts of major depression for as long as i can remember. i'm in a pretty intense depressive phase at the moment. i overslept lunch with my mom yesterday, forgot to set the alarm (my sleep schedule is pretty messed up, ranging from 20h a day to 2h since around 3-4 weeks). she was outside the apt building ringing the doorbell, i didn't hear it as i was sleeping on the couch - with noise cancelling headphones on. so she called me, but phone was on silent, vibrating peacefully and silently somewhere on a cussion. so she grabbed her key and came into the building, up to my floor and rang the doorbell again, me - nothing. she knocked on the door, same result. she tried to open the door - locked. so she took her key to unlock, but i had my key in the keyhole from the inside, so she couldn't unlock it. more doorbell, phonecalls, banging, etc. i heard nothing. she started calling around - my ex wife, my dad, etc. the panic spread. so everyone tried calling me dozens of times - all the while i was peacefully asleep listening to elliott smith, noise cancellation keeping the world out of earshot. my mom wanted to call the cops or firefighters to break down my door - she was very afraid that i killed myself... as i was dreaming of butterflies and rainbows or whatever. but my dad told her, thankfully, to just wait a few hours. i might resurface - and if not, i'll still be dead in the evening. so she left and waited. i awoke around 2-3h after all this, shocked as i looked at my phone - why the hell was it this late? why did i have dozens of missed calls? so i called my mom, then my dad and everyone involved and explained. calmed them down. said i was sorry. holy hell, as a parent myself, i understand how intense the fear for your children's safety can get. and then i got up and started writing this song. filmed for the fingering as i have no idea what things are called on a guitar tuned to open d. and then i listened back and realised this would only cause more panic, so i stopped working on it. and yet, here i am posting it anyway. don't worry about me, i'll be fine. and even if i won't: i'm not going to kill myself. 🖤more